While out and about the other day we scored a “family pak” of chicken wings at a stupor-market in a town not so dinky as the one in which we live, one of those places with “customer loyalty” cards enabling us to sell our privacy for a few bucks per visit. I’ve often wondered if they are, in fact, a family of Pakistani chickens whose wings I’m buying, but that’s another matter entirely.
The wings were intended for consumption on my buffday, which is of course the anniversary of the day I invented streaking in 1961. I was unaware at the time that it was not an original invention, due to the fact that I was also unaware at the time that I was not an original invention.
Yesterday I hauled the remains of some former family of chickens out of the refrigerator and hacked ’em up… “jointing”, it’s called, but that sounds a bit too much like something Solberg would do first to the cabinetry beneath and then to the housewife (of a particularly willing nature, of course) perched upon, and I’ve no desire to do such things with any one, a portion of, or even an entire family of dead chickens. It all went as expected until I lifted the styrofoam hearse within which the murdered family’s limbs made their final journey in chicken form and found that it seemed way too heavy for the hauling of corpses and more like an armored car for the hauling of money.
The label said that the net weight was 5.33 pounds. I weighed the limbs in question at four pounds, two and a smidgen ounces. The hearse containing a thing more closely related to a used disposable diaper than anything else one might readily bring to mind weighed one pound, six and some fraction ounces.
The packaging stated “Contains up to 15% of a solution of chicken broth, salt, and carageenan”. Hmm. I bought a diaper loaded with boiled garbage and completely non-nutritive (and potentially harmful) boiled seaweed for $2.49 per pound and the only possible use for it is landfill. Energy was consumed to produce, ship, and account for useless garbage.
The myriad examples of capitalism’s efficiency are truly wondrous.