Dear, Darling Children Of Mine

Dear, Darling Children Of Mine:

Now that you’re all grown up and living the independent lives of your own choosing, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, on behalf of myself and your mothers, for making us all proud to say that you should all have been blowjobs instead.

Sincerely,

The Man Who Cursed You With His Genes

Don’t read too much into that, as it was just surfing the mental tube that brought it about. I had need of a tailored putdown for an entirely different situation, and came up with “your father and many, many others would have been much happier if you’d been a blowjob instead”. I ran that past Amethyst because, well, she indulges me when I just have to share the crap that comes out of my mind, and we agreed that it would be just an enormous scream to say it to one’s own kid whether it were true or not.

The thing is, if it’s not true, then you really can’t ever use that line unless you’re a monster. But if it is true, then it’s all upside. That’s just a legendary zinger, and if the pollywog is even related to you at all it’s got to be smart enough to get rich telling a fantastic tale that includes that line. Good for the wogs, ya know? Ya don’t have to hate ’em just because they want you to. Let ’em get rich. Serves ’em right.

Now that would be a real screamer, a joke that made someone just that crazy. How could you deny destiny its due?

Oh. Damn. I just figured the downside. You do that once to make one tadpole rich, then the other tadpoles get on the phone saying they won’t go away until you give them each their own epic slams so they can get rich, too. You’ll just never get rid of ’em, and will live out your life as the world’s most hated unpaid comedy writer.

Okay. Don’t do that. Definitely, don’t do that. But if you do, blame it on me, okay?

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