Rocking Out With My Caulk Out

It all started simply enough. Amethyst wanted to go to the stupormarket, and it seemed to me a good idea to go a bit further to the hardware store to pick up a new tub spout since ours had a leaking diverter. I zipped into the Green Room (our upstairs bathroom), removed the old spout to confirm the type and dimensions of the thing, and while I was sitting there on the edge of the tub thinking about tools and supplies I was naturally enough reminded that I absolutely fucking hate the tub caulking. I hated it the first time I saw it, every time I’ve seen it since, and especially when trying to clean it.

I’m a real mold and mildew free kind of guy. I don’t mind a lived-in look, but I feel like I’m not being a good human if I allow nature to reclaim the resources we’re still using. There’s no rust on my truck, and god damn it there’s not supposed to be mold or mildew in my bathroom. Those nuclear mutant bathtub caulk mold spores, though, they don’t care how we powerless humans feel about them or with which of our feeble chemicals we douse them. I’ve tried everything except fire against them, and have never in my life actually won the war against a colony of the little fuckers. So I say let ’em have the damned bathroom caulk, so long as it’s at the landfill. Caulk out, cove in, problem solved.

It turned out that what I’d thought was all silicone caulk was really silicone in places and mostly a water based caulk, the kind that gets really hard, and it had been pumped into the crevice until it completely filled the void. There are toxic chemical solutions one can buy to soften that kind of caulk for removal, but one cannot buy them in Dinkytown on a Sunday after five o’clock.

If you’ve a steady hand, the proper implements in that hand, and you’re really determined to get it done, it’s possible to dig out that kind of caulk without chipping or cracking any tiles, without the use of toxic chemical solutions. I had my usual oh-shit hands, a hunting knife, a razor blade gasket scraper, and an assortment of mechanic’s picks. But I was determined, and after four hours of cussing and hurting with a few old injuries acting up and the expected pain in the ass from sitting on the side of the tub for hours all of that old caulk was out and not one tile was chipped or cracked.

Unfortunately, what I found was that in places the tile stands a full half inch above the tub so the cove I’d bought wasn’t going to do the job. Which is essentially okay because I wasn’t too happy with it anyway. It was just what I could get on a Sunday in Dinkytown.

Our new bathtub cove is made of duct tape. And so it shall remain until the stuff I just ordered online from Lowe’s shows up, which might be two weeks from today. There aren’t too many things that would get me out onto the highway right now, with our winter being a pretty solid one, and bathtub cove isn’t one of them. It’s not like I’m out of marijuana.

And because I’m nowhere near out of marijuana, I’ll be content to just wait around and rock out with my caulk out.



7 thoughts on “Rocking Out With My Caulk Out

  1. promisesunshine

    If this inspires me to play with my bathtub, I’m going to be quite annoyed. I don’t have the rewards you do. also, I laughed.
    Out of curiosity, do you say “cot” and “caught” the same or differently?

    1. happierheathen Post author

      Far be it from me to interfere in your decision to play or not play with your bathtub! ๐Ÿ˜€

      I say cot and caught the same, and the verb sounds the same whether I’m cocking a pistol or caulking a tub. So in this case it sounds just like my pecker is catching the breeze. Except that this time of year it proves by retreating from the cold that it’s smarter than the rest of me.

      I’m now going to find something else to occupy my mind because the thought that my dick is the smartest part of me is disheartening.

  2. solberg73

    Let’s hope the cove (cove moulding?) doesn’t itself develop a discoloring for some reason. And though I understand and accept the fact of regional pronunciations, it’s still always jarring to read your cot/caught ‘confession’ above. Excellent 20-or-so Question dialect tesdts on-line these days; all of them, no exception peg me as Eastern PA.
    Point 3: I now have steady net access for once and did really miss reading your thoughts and commenting.
    Finally, the new ‘Improved’ comment box is a major fail, at least on Chrome; one line of text shows but the scroll is 2X, thereby foiling any attempt to review or edit before ‘send’. How can the Gods of WP *not* know this?

    1. happierheathen Post author

      Dare you is! I’d been wondering if a black helicopter or a pale horse had got you. Damn glad to see a sign of life, man.

      If the new cove (yes, as in moulding) should become discolored, and should I still be responsible for it when it does, I’ll be glad that I had sense enough to consider that I will be at least as lazy then as I am now.

      I’ve taken, and just took another, of those dialect tests. As always, it’s “Western”. Which is said to be the most neutral dialect by those who claim to know about such things with the great exception being the short/long O. My ancestors left the east before the British English transformation of the 19th century, so our speech still prefers the short O and doesn’t soften or eliminate the R.

      The improved comment box has a drag handle at the bottom right corner that you can drag out to make the box an acceptable size. It sucks, but that just makes it consistent with the rest of WordPress. No sense raising bars unnecessarily. ๐Ÿ˜€

      Stay strange, Friend, but don’t be a stranger!

  3. whyzat

    I am a fellow caulk-hater. I make a mess every time I open a tube. We have pink/orange mildew here that grows on anything that’s wet. I use so much bleach and scrubbin’ bubbles that I should be a part owner of Dow.

    1. happierheathen Post author

      My irrationally intense hatred of that pink/orange stuff is what motivated me to go after the job. Chemicals weren’t cutting it and fire seemed too likely to become overkill.

      I wish you the very best of luck in your battle against the microorganisms!


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