Buddy Bear

Oh boy fun fun. I just heard a bit of a ruckus out in the back yard — it sounded like something went over the fence into the dog run, then had trouble getting over the fence from the dog run into the back yard. At first I thought it might be a deer, but deer don’t often have trouble clearing the fence and I’ve never known one to have trouble twice in short order. Hmmm…

I went out onto the deck, which hangs off of the second floor, and as soon as I got there I heard that unmistakable “woof” that only a bear can make. Right under the deck, too. For just an instant I tried to convince myself that maybe it was just a large buck deer, as they can make a similar noise, but then I heard the jaw popping that is a bear’s way of saying “fuck with me and I’ll bite your fool head off”. So I came back inside the house, since I don’t like being too close to bears that I cannot see. He’d already made it clear that he wasn’t in the mood to be trifled with and my little pocket flashlight wasn’t much comfort. I made my way downstairs to look out through the windows, but there wasn’t anyone or anything out of the ordinary to be seen. Damn. I was kinda hoping to get a better look at the critter that made the noise.

I dreamt a few weeks ago of having a run-in with a bear. In the dream I was out in the garage just minding my own business when the dream-bear came partly through the window and was trying to make it all the way through — the first application of Ye Olde Hickory Stick knocked it unconscious, and repeated applications kicked the ghost out of the carcass. I woke up before finding out if the fish cops would let me keep the hide. I kinda figure that a guy who lets the ghost out of a bear with a stick deserves to keep the rug, but I suppose the fish cops would probably figure it differently. I don’t really want to find myself in a tangle with a bear with nothing more than a stick as a weapon anyway.

I used to have threatening dreams all the time, dreams of being chased but able to move only in slow motion as if fighting against a strong wind that affected only me, dreams of gunfights and physical violence, automobile wrecks, and the like. I was able to shake them off easily enough because when they were common I was often threatened and was without any meaningful control over my life so they made sense to me. That’s just how it goes when you’re in relationships with pathological narcissists and/or psychopaths, as I was with my parents as a child and again, stupidly, with my second wife. The strange part was that while married to my second wife I had a rash of precognitive dreams that were so detailed that when the events later unfolded I could give the license plate numbers of cars whose plates weren’t yet visible, describe what someone who hadn’t yet been seen would be wearing and what they would do once they arrived, and so on.

I freaked out a friend once by telling him what was about to happen because I’d seen it in a dream. That was kind of fun. It was also kind of disturbing, because most of my precognitive dreams broke with the eventual reality at the point at which they became violent, and in that one the guy at the national forest campground who got out of the green Chevy pickup truck wearing a plaid flannel shirt reached into the bed of his truck and took out a rifle with which to shoot us. In reality, what he took out of the bed of the truck was a black Hi-Lift jack.



At forty yards, it could easily enough be mistaken at first glance for a shotgun or assault rifle. And my buddy and I were both armed… It was a bit nervous, but I’d thought to warn my friend that while my precognitive dreams all ended violently the reality very rarely ended that way. That guy in the plaid flannel shirt with the jack in his hand doesn’t know how close he was to getting ventilated over a stupid damn dream.

If tonight’s bear was the eventual reality of a precognitive dream he was a real disappointment because I didn’t even get to see him. I’m a bit unhappy with him for coming around my damn house and popping his jaw at me, but I can’t really blame him for wanting to stay out of the rain and not be bothered by a two-leg.

But if he gives me any trouble tonight I’m gonna run his ass clean down off the mountain and if he won’t be run off Miss Autumn’s going to get herself her very own bearskin rug because I am never in the mood to put up with shit from animals wild or otherwise.


13 thoughts on “Buddy Bear

  1. girlforgetful

    Bears – one of my pathological fears, along with sharks and Republicans. I would seriously have a meltdown if one was in my vicinity like that. Seriously. Put the house up for sale and sleep at work until I found another bear-free place to live. I don’t know how you and Miss Autumn can stand it right now. Wait – is Autumn the cat or the wife? I forget.

    1. happierheathen Post author

      😀 Autumn is the cat, Amethyst the wife.

      We don’t often get bears or mountain lions in town. Maybe right around the edges, but rarely right in town. The dogs usually keep them out, but every now and then one will get bold.

  2. promisesunshine

    dreaming the future. wow. i gotta say i’m glad my dreams aren’t the future. since i was picking overripe tomatoes out of a flowerbed in my childhood home and some lady told me over the phone that she wouldn’t teach me how to dance.
    as i’m listening to my daily Tom Petty tune (today is the Alice in Wonderland one), it occurs to me that you kinda remind me of T.P. in a good way, if that was a question.

    1. happierheathen Post author

      🙂 I’m glad that most of mine are just random noise, too. I’d be dead a thousand times over if they were all real!

      I have a strong aversion to overripe tomatoes ever since I worked in R&D at Hunt-Wesson. It was years after that before I could stand tomatoes again. Which is crazy because I always loved the things, and do again. But for a time the sight of a tomato would put me off my feed.

      I don’t think I’ve ever reminded someone of Tom Petty before. How’d I manage to do that?

      1. promisesunshine

        i’m mighty particular about my tomatoes. sometimes they are just deesgusting. probably childhood-related. but i do have plenty of work-related aversions. shrimp, for example. those things are gross.

        i forget why the tom petty now. i’ve slept since this morning.

  3. sunsetdragon

    Hope you stay safe from the bear. e have warnings up not to walk, or go down the trails by the old abandoned pasture up the road due to bear sightings.
    I have been hearing coyotes calling at night also.
    Fall is on it’s way and is already partially here.

  4. LAMarcom

    As I am ‘under-the-weather’, I shall be brief.
    Great post.
    ‘Grate’ Bear memories (try camels in the middle of the night for variance)
    Great Jimmy Buffett song:
    Actually, springs back memories.
    The first Jimmy B. Song I ever heard.
    Oh wait! That’s a lie!
    The first I heard was that one ’bout margaritas, but I really don’t count that one and could not truly appreciate it, as at that time, I was on the lam from the LAW.

    This one–the one you posted–was the first one I heard shortly after arriving, Sinai Field Mission and smoking my first bowl with my new friends…
    Then I knew… I was with kin.
    And thank Baby Hey Zeus for that.

          1. LAMarcom

            Now, You make think me gone to Never-Never-Land.
            Au contraire!
            I am just between gigs.
            I watch the news ever’day.
            The shit is about to jump off in the Middle East:
            Employment opportunities are about to abound for for me.
            We send troops (which we will), they need logistics. That is where I come in to save the day.

  5. Roadkill Spatula

    I’ve never had precognitive dreams. My wife has, from what she tells me. Weird that yours would predict violence that never happens, though.

    We don’t get bears in our part of Florida. Just raccoons, possums, and armadillos.

    1. happierheathen Post author

      I think the violence is just a side effect of the weird coincidence of precognitive dreaming with periods of crushing stress. I have disturbing dreams when I feel that my life is out of control.

      Where I lived in Northwest Florida I never saw a bear, but I saw lots of those things you mentioned plus giant rattlesnakes, water moccasins, alligators, and often hostile wild boar. And of course cucarachas of many forms including those nasty palmetto bugs. I’d rather have bears!


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