Breakthrough? Or just broken?

I’ve been terribly distracted in the aftermath of the death of the one I call my father for want of a more fitting and non-vulgar term. Until about two hours ago I couldn’t figure out what the distraction was — it was like there was a fact hiding in this thing I generously refer to as my mind, and until I figured out where it was hiding I couldn’t know what it was. It was very frustrating. Then the magic happened and I suddenly knew what it was.

Long story short: Though I detest psychobabble it provides a useful metaphor: My inner child has been standing there with his fists up for his whole life, unable to cry because every time he’s shown weakness he’s been beaten for it. I’ve long had the need to mourn the child I was never allowed to be but the tough little fucker wouldn’t allow it. My job now is to convince the little guy that I’ve got his back and no one’s ever going to hurt him again. I guess that’s going to require a bit of wallowing in self pity for a while.

Ya know, I’m really sick of having to repeatedly defuckerize my head. It feels like this might be the last time it’s necessary, but who the hell ever really knows a thing like that?

Either way, this feels like a very positive development. One can always hope, eh?



11 thoughts on “Breakthrough? Or just broken?

  1. promisesunshine

    i think defuckerizing one’s head is a natural part of the human process. at least i hope it is, as i have to do it all the damn time. (if you tell me that eventually we get it right, i will be greatly relieved that there’s hope for that.)
    lots of hugs (and even some tears) for that little boy for the loss of the human being who should have been a father.

  2. cocosangel

    One year after my mother’s death, I had a break down. And that was because, I had to hold on to my anger and not be weak, because she knew how to push my buttons and use other people to get her way with me.
    Sometimes, one does not realize what is wrong, until you figure it out.
    Hugs and hope feel better.

  3. theinfiniterally

    People tell me it isn’t just figuring stuff out, it’s practicing enough that it sticks.

    I was thinking I should’ve added a ‘sorry’ to my congratulations the other day considering you have the right to celebrate AND mourn the father you SHOULD have had.

    Defuckerize is the best new (to me) word ever.

    1. happierheathen Post author

      True that, about figgerin’ stuff out. 🙂 There was no need at all for a ‘sorry’. Trust me.

      As far as I know, I originated defuckerize. It’s not yet in widespread use but I’m a-workin’ on it. 🙂

  4. Roadkill Spatula

    I had forgotten about “inner child” stuff until I read this post. Back in 1997 a counselor had me envision my inner child being released to the sunshine from the place I had him bottled up. It was pretty cool.

    In recent years I learned to forgive myself for past stupid decisions I used to kick myself for. It was helpful to realize that I made the decisions based on who I was at the time, what I thought and believed, and to feel compassion for the guy I was at the time.


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