Do Ya Ever…

Do ya ever see a safety notice of some kind and find yourself unable to stop the words “No Shit!” from leaving your mouth?

Apparently someone at the National Weather Service now feels it important to issue an advisory for “black ice” every time the temperature drops below the freezing point, with the additional caution, “Be careful when walking or driving”. No Shit! Who’d’a thunk that the usual hazards that attend to cold weather might occur in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado?

The additional warning is kinda cute, too. Be careful when walking or driving. It seems to imply that if the NWS hasn’t issued a warning it’s okay to be reckless. Come to think of it, it might actually be good to hang that seemingly nonsense warning on there. Back when our now busted energy extraction boom was just cranking up, a Texican actually told me that he was going to go to court to fight the speeding ticket he got for driving too fast for conditions, on the grounds that the signs said the speed limit was 55 miles per hour, and if 55 is too fast the signs should be changed. I asked the guy if he thought we should just have people assigned to the job of changing the damn signs every time the conditions change. In typical Texican oil field trash fashion he became angry and called me names that I don’t usually answer to.

Though not anything the National Weather Service is involved in, there’s a sign about a mile outside of town advising motorists, “Icy Conditions May Exist”. There’s no way to travel the highways to reach that sign without having been in the Rockies for at least two hours. I guess it makes sense to have it out there turned to face traffic all year, though, as it’s been known to snow here in July and August. Not much, not often, but it does happen. Still: No Shit.

Admittedly, if I were the guy whose job it is to issue weather advisories for places like, say, Tucson, Arizona, I’d probably get fired right quick because they’d be like these:

Chance of rain today. You should stay home because, unlike you, your neighbors have completely forgotten how to drive on wet pavement since the last storm.

Flash Flood Warning. Go ahead, drive into it if you don’t think it’s that deep. We have a pool going here at the weather office about how many idiots will do just that, and I’ve got a high number that’s worth more than two hundred bucks to me.

Freeze Warning. Don’t even think of starting the car this morning if you’re one of those idiots who thinks that antifreeze is unnecessary in Arizona. Please don’t report explosions to the police — they’re just your idiot neighbors finding out about frozen lower radiator hoses the hard way.

High Wind Warning. Be advised that 87% of your neighbors believe that no one else is stupid enough to be out driving in the blowing dust and sand, so will not slow down due to poor visibility. Consider staying home. Also, be advised that your RV is not impervious to high winds just because it has an Arizona tag.

I’d lose my job for sure, but some number of people would lobby to get me reinstated with a fat pay raise. They’d be telling the boss, “He’s the only guy who doesn’t make us say ‘No Shit!’ to every weather advisory your office issues”.


20 thoughts on “Do Ya Ever…

    1. happierheathen Post author

      I’m hip! The idiots are usually the lawyers advising the manufacturers about safety labeling, I think. I can’t wait for the day when all new cutlery comes with a warning engraved right into the blades saying, “Caution: Sharp!”. Some time later they’ll upgrade the warning to incorporate arrows pointing toward the sharp edges.

      Then I’ll sue the bastards as soon as my new cutlery becomes dull, claiming false advertising, and retire a wealthy man. πŸ˜€

    1. happierheathen Post author

      It just strikes me as odd that the National Weather Service feels a need to say things like “be careful when walking or driving” in a freeze warning. I can’t imagine anyone thinking to sue them for not overstating the obvious. “Gee, officer, the National Weather Service didn’t explicitly tell me to drive carefully!”. πŸ˜€

  1. promisesunshine

    your warnings are awesome. hard to fit on signs, though. maybe a shortened version that just says “no shit”.
    people don’t think. and we’re living in a land where our mistakes aren’t our own. i walk out my door today and fall on my kiester i say dumbass. somebody else falls they sue the concrete company for making concrete hard.
    yada yada

    1. happierheathen Post author

      I had a neighbor who did almost that. I shoveled the guy’s driveway and spread my own ice melter on it every winter for years, then one cold winter morning he stepped onto ice that he knew was there and fell, somehow managing to get an ankle under his ass on the way down. Shattered both bones — the x-ray image was painful to look at. Next thing ya know, he’s telling me that his lawyer has advised him that he’s got a strong case against the landlord. Though there was no love lost between me and the greedy landlady, I still went off on the guy. He did nothing to mitigate the hazard himself despite being fully capable of doing so, and walked onto the ice intentionally — had to walk past his own full, unopened bucket of ice melter to get there, in fact. Now he’s going to sue someone else for his own laziness and stupidity?

      He ended up not pursuing it, saying later that he’d come to accept that it really was his own fault for walking onto the ice that he knew was there. I was just glad that he didn’t sue me for having led him to complacency by shoveling and deicing for him for all of those years.

  2. whyzat

    And the twits who NEED the warnings don’t listen, anyway! I think they give some of yhe warnings just in an attempt to reduce the number of idiots on the road. When people decide to “ride out” a hurricane, I think they should just be left where they are until it’s all over instead of sending rescuers.Talk about stupid!
    My stand mixer had so many safety measures built in that I got frustrated trying to use it until I figured out how to bypass a couple of them. And I haven’t once gotten my fingers caught in the beaters!

    1. happierheathen Post author

      “Some men you just cannot reach”. πŸ˜€

      When I was in the Air Force it was my job to ride out any hurricanes that might come along — fortunately there weren’t any until after I got out. The very next hurricane season brought Elena, which double-whammied the area I’d lived in the year before. Making up for lost time, I guess.

    1. happierheathen Post author

      It’s a very thin layer of transparent ice on the pavement, easily mistaken for just wet road, or not even visible. Usually the first sign of it is that your brakes and steering become worthless, and the second sign is the inevitable butt pucker that bites holes in the upholstery.

  3. solberg73

    I’m wondering how on-topic it is to mention the Warning! text and attendant cartoon on most 5-gallon buckets. There is always this suicidal toddler in the picture, who has managed against all odds to drown hisself in a teaspoon of water at the bottom of an unstable bucket. I looked it up and yes, there’ve been 1 or 2 cases in human history, but I find it a bit over-much.
    One of my songs goes:
    I pledge my legions to The Flag
    I read the writing on the bag
    Says there: ‘This bag is not a hat!’
    Can it be, my Country ’tis of THAT?

    1. happierheathen Post author

      I’ve got some number of those buckets. I joke tastelessly about the graphic… πŸ˜€

      Back when I was married to the paranoid schizophrenic and found myself being accused of some evil she’d hallucinated, I would change the subject by putting a plastic bag over my head. She’d freak out in that way that only one so afflicted can, and that would change the subject instantly, every time. I usually felt rotten for it afterward, but was glad for the peace and quiet that would come after her terror turned to anger and then The Silent Treatment. She’d forget why she was angry with me within an hour, but The Silent Treatment would last for at least two days, and one time more than two weeks — quite the leveraged payoff.

  4. digitalgranny

    What scares me is warnings like the ones on the back of hemrroid creams and such things, that say for external use only. They the warning goes on to tell you what to do if you put it in your mouth.
    What scares me is how do they know?


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