Nine Percent Of Americans Are Doing It WRONG

I saw a headline recently but didn’t read the story. The headline itself was sufficient: 9% of Americans Have Talked On The Phone During Sex. Or something along those lines. I just blew on by the story without giving it a second thought, but a while later that second thought lodged itself in my brain. Nine percent. Hmm. How the hell does that even work?

[Ringtone]

“Hello?”

“Oh, hey, Ted, yeah, I’m glad you called. I’m sorry I missed your call on Thursday, but I was at a dinner meeting and couldn’t answer. What’s up?”

“Oh, not much. Copulating with the Missus.”

“You know me, the multi-tasker extraordinaire. It’s like walking and chewing gum but you don’t have to watch for traffic. Uh, gimme a sec, okay Ted?”. [Muffled by hand over microphone] “Baby, can you get on top please? This is a really important call.” [Rustling sounds.]

“There, that’s better. Sorry for asking you to hold, Ted. So how’s Tuesday 10:30 for that meeting with Smithers?”

“Uh, well, let me check my calendar.”

[Muffled by hand over microphone] “Oh baby I love the way your tits bounce when you’re on top”.

“Okay, yeah, 2PM is good. I’ve got a lunch meeting but it starts early so it should be done in time. I’ll call you if it runs over.”

“Oh! I almost forgot! Yeah! There was some kind of SNAFU in production. Something about the Taiwanese vendor shutting down for some holiday, delaying delivery by a couple of days…”

[A loud thud, as one would expect if the other party to a telephone call was just struck on the head by something heavy.]

[Female voice on the phone] “Hey, Ted. We’ve never met, but Bill’s unable to return to the phone just now and I’ve got some unfinished business here. Are you nearby? Can you drop by? And leave your phone in the car?”

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13 thoughts on “Nine Percent Of Americans Are Doing It WRONG

  1. ordinarybutloud

    As someone who has had the emergency phone call from the kid at the babysitter’s house during sex………..um, never mind.

    Reply
  2. distractedbyzombies

    You pretty much nailed it. Pun intended. I have to plead guilty. There are some calls you just have to take and sometimes it’s just going too well to stop. Granted, these instances are few and far between.

    Reply
    1. happierheathen Post author

      I dunno, man… If the ringer’s not switched off, your heart’s not in it, ya know? I mean, I can see hurrying things along a bit if the house is on fire, but if the fire department has already showed up there’s really no reason to allow distractions.

      Reply
  3. grannyandthebaldguy

    I would think if someone was talking on the phone while having sex that the sex was pretty boring.

    Reply
  4. dimebone

    In the futuristic world of 1980 people will not copulate at all.

    I am intoxicated with embedded videos. Thank you. It’s your fault. You told me to do this.

    Reply

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